Be. Happy.

One thing I doubt I will ever understand is the preaching to women about preparing themselves to be a good wife.  Like, there’s some type of handbook.  Like, we ALL have the ultimate goal of being a good wife, and that’s enough for our lives.  No.  I WILL concede to the fact that as women we are biologically, which transfers too psychologically, inclined to have children.  We know that scientifically speaking, a man is needed to accomplish this.

All that being said, not all women want the same thing, let alone at the same certain “appropriate” times in our lives.  Speaking strictly for myself, I want to be married and have children AFTER stabilizing my life, my education, and my company.  I have NO interest in sharing my life with a man, let alone create a life, when I’m not ready.  I know that at this point in my life, I’m finishing my degree (after only working for a few years), managing an office that is not my own and being Director of Operations for my company.

When do I have the time to dedicate to someone else’s needs on a very, very intimate level?  Creating secrets and having moments that only he and I share? I can HONESTLY say that my mind will not allow me to create that time, because right now, it’s not that important.  I have to be happy by my own standards first.  I will not attempt to “not be lonely anymore” with someone who isn’t for me, or I for them.  Been there, done that.  I am blessed to have AMAZING, REAL FRIENDS that I can count on in a real-life way.  I know that when I’m ready for that, someone will be just as ready.

So, Lady J’s two cents is this; DAMN THE NOTIONS OF “THE ACCEPTABLE.”  Be happy with yourself, your life and its path before inviting another person with their emotions and needs in.  Study, pray, clean your space (house and soul) of old hindrances, eat well, move often, be brutally honest with yourself, know yourself, and keep moving forward.  I feel that when you occupy your time with self-fulfilling (improving) thoughts and activities, the “usual” distractions tend to fade and real happiness begins to fill the void you’ve allowed to exist.

“To thine own self, be true.” –  William Shakespeare.

Love,

Lady J

14 Comments

  1. You just spoke to me! Everyone has been question my decisions these days and I almost felt like something was wrong with me. I’ll be 25 in a few months and I haven’t been in a long term relationship in years and have no plans of getting married any time soon.I have a whole lot of life to live before I can even think about being the perfect wife and mother! But thank you for reassuring me! I need to know that I’m not alone in my thinking!! Now I know i have you that understands where I’m coming from!

  2. Nice words!

  3. I’ve always fantasized about my wedding and future family, as I’m sure most girls have. I’ve pictured an outlandish David Tutera-eque event – platinum rings, the finest Vera Wang, etc,. Followed by the thoughts of wide, toothless smiles, dimples, fat legs to pinch, Baby Einstien on the screen, the best schools, the best clothes, cheer camp, basketball gear….. and then I spent the last week babysitting 4 month old twins on 24/hr care. WHOA DANG! I realized that I cannot afford (financially and emotionally) to have these things in my life right now. I do not want to rob myself or my future kids of the things we could have if I simply worked my tail off for the next decade and waited to enjoy stability and motherhood. I do not have the time or energy to invest in a relationship that probably won’t last, especially when I change my mind about a guy more than I change my outfit on a Friday night. Sure, I’ve been lonely, but I have a good friend.. and most times one is all you need. I have to be fair to myself, love myself, and be in such a place that I do not need to depend on ANYONE to pay my next light bill. Plus, the starter path to my career leaves no room for “hold on I have to change this diaper real quick”.. wtf? Hey, if that’s what you aspire to.. do you. I’m not going to let anyone coerce me into thinking that I have to buy nursing pads before 25. The last thing I want is for my husband or kids to say “I wish we could afford…” No thanks. It’s 2011 not 1420.

    • Well said Lady J!

  4. While you all are out there building a life of loneliness, I’ll be building my life with my husband. This is the time where choosing occurs. Look at all these specials addressing “Why don’t Black women get married?” Its because of these mentalities. If you build it alone, who moves into whom’s house? God wants us to get together and build in HIS name. Things go better for me when I have someone to bounce ideas and myself 😉 off of. Why waste time with a “good friend” when you can have a partner who’s personal interests in you is higher than anyone else’s in the world? Sometime you may not want to cook dinner but want a home cooked meal. Who’s going to cook it? When your cramps are bad, who’s going to rub your womb? Who holds you when the weight of the world collapses on your shoulders and offers to carry you through? Who buys you something sweet just because you are you? Who helps you through the harsh times in life and celebrates the great times? YOUR HUSBAND, that’s who. I believe in marriage and to those who don’t, that’s your opinion. Finding love is life’s most difficult task and why push that off because of superficial notions of “success”? If the dollar crashes tomorrow, you’ll have lots of things you bought with your money and a quiet house while my husband and I plot our next move.

    • First, thank you for reading and leaving a comment, we truly appreciate your voice. I’m not sure who you were replying to, but the consensus of my message is to be happy with yourself first, before opening your life to another. I am all for marriage and family, and all the love created within both. I (Lady J) am building a life for myself that I will have no issue sharing with my partner, whoever he is. If I’m building alone, we can move into a house that WE BOTH WANT AS HOME. My success is not built on the back of the DOLLAR. This company’s mission is to create a place of openness and to put positive images back into the mainstream media, to reserve the psychological damage that’s been done over the years. Who is pushing love off? I’m creating a space within myself where love can flourish as freely as it wants. I’ll also urge you to read the posts, “For the men who don’t hear it enough” and “Woman where art thou?” Please leave your opinion there as well. Again, thanks for your voice and keep Speaking Freely. — xoxo Lady J

    • Nowhere in my comment did I say that I did not want to be married. On the contrary, I cannot wait for God to bless me with the love my life. However, I’m not going to sit there and wait for a husband to rub my cramped belly and not make a life for myself. If we belong together we’ll buy a place of our own. If anything, black women need to take a page from the white women who get their degrees, take their time, and choose a suitable mate to do all these things WHEN THEY ARE READY! Too many of our sisters settle for the baby daddy and have to struggle while swiping the Link card at Walmart. My ‘good friend’ (who said the friend was male?) has all the ideas I need and will support me and buy me presents when I’m down, as THEY have done. What if God doesn’t want to bring me love until I’m 35? Am I supposed to waste my time laying with men to satiate my loneliness? Or should I be a strong and responsible black woman who wants to prepare for the future, and be emotionally and mentally sure of myself AND my future husband to honor God and preserve the sanctity of marriage? I, PERSONALLY, don’t need and often don’t want a man right now. I refuse to be struggling to feed my kids, living paycheck to pay check just because I don’t want to be lonely. That would be quite selfish and naive of me. I am very happy that you are at the place in your life where you have someone to be by your side through thick and thin. You have been greatly blessed. You must remember though, that we often do not have control over who we love and the situations life affords us.

      • Why are we always following the white woman’s lead? The same woman who told us that we were inferior to our men and made us believe in that Women’s right gibberish which made us psycologically force our men out the house? That white woman? HA! The fact of the matter is while they marry more, they also divorce more. Very seldom do you find a Black woman with 3 ex husbands. Most of us are in it to win it. Who said you will struggle if you have a husband? I am a responsible Black woman however I don’t think my responsibility is diminished based on the fact that I follow the natural order of marrying a man. If you have the mentality “I don’t need/want a man right now”, even if the right one came along, you would be mentally closed to meeting him. Yes becoming financially stable is fine but so is finding a life partner. You don’t want to be like Char from BGC, 27, single, lonely, educated, but bitter. No ma’am, not the kid. The prime time to get married is 23-27. This is when you are the most fertile which makes you more attractive to men. A 30 year old woman should not be competing with a 23 year old woman for the attention of men in the club. I pray everyday that that’s not me. Yes, I have an EXCELLENT girlfriend circle but NONE of them can do what a man does for me because at the end of the day, they all have the same problems. My boyfriend and I watch BGC together and he always says “If one man lived there, it wouldn’t be like this” and its true. Just stay prayerful and wait to be found but don’t write off the whole idea because it hasn’t happened yet. Fall in love every week until you get it right because the reward far outweighs the risk.

      • I’m gonna bullet point my response:
        -BGC is not an example I can relate to, I don’t watch the show. It’s nonsense (to me).
        – A 30 year-old woman has no place in the club to begin with, so I certainly hope she ISN’T competing with a 23 year old. Hell, I’m turning 25 and I don’t club because the environment irks me. lol
        -I don’t agree with following a certain race’s example because no one is perfect.
        -If I meet a nice guy, I have NO problem building a friendship, because that friend could very well be my husband in 2, 3, 4, 5 years. I’d just rather not “date” if you are my friend you’ll find out all the information you want to know about me while we build our FRIENDSHIP. All in all, a good man is good. A close mind don’t get learn-ed. lol
        -That timeframe may be “prime time” but does that mean I have to “hurry up and get married?” I think not. Again, the point of the post, start that cycle of life WHEN YOU ARE READY. Not because “it’s time.”

      • Couldn’t have said it better myself, Lady J. Not once did I say I that my mind was closed to finding a man. But I’m not going to spend time wishing each guy to be “the one”. If we meet. he’s cool, we build, then who knows the possibilities. 30 year old competing with a 23 at a club is desperate. The only reason she should be there is if she’s running the event. A man who meets a 23 year old at the club probably isn’t considering her the mother of his kids just because she’s ripe for the picking. Actually, he’s thinking about stopping at Walgreens to get a pack of Trojans to prevent impregnating this girl after a night of intoxication. Char is no example for ANY woman. She’s the most immature one on the show, even though she preaches the opposite. Those girls fit a description that they hope to change. They don’t go on the show being role models.

        Also, the beauty of science and living the age we do allows for us to harvest and freeze our eggs. So I’m really not too concerned about my biological clock. Hell, if my body isn’t destined to carry children, there are millions in the world who need love and a home.

        No race has the answer for marriage. I really wish you would READ what is posted instead of seeing what isn’t there. I love men as much as the next straight girl, but I’m not going to love and un-love and be heartbroken for unnecessary trial and error, when I can take my time. I feel that because I don’t need a man at the moment, it allows me to see the big picture about my selection while still relying on my heart to make the final decision. I am just not that strong of a person to keep handling the separation and energy of all the emotion continuously put into relationships I hope to last, but deep down know they probably won’t. Oprah, the strongest of black women, has built an empire and still hasn’t married. She has a great friend to rely on and has her man on the side. To each their own. I’m doing what I feel is right for ME. Hence the message in the blog. If marriage now is what works for you in order for you to feel complete, then all the best to you and your husband. I’m not going to freak out at not finding someone before 27 because then I would settle and probably end up more unhappy than if I’d just stayed single.

  5. Word. Life. I dig this post.

  6. This is awesome. I can’t fully express how much this speaks to me….in my own head, I’m the only one who feels this way. The reality of being a mother, a lover or a wife is to have an emotional center — a zen within you so others can attach to it. To simply relieve loneliness is a farce. It’s wack and it’s hilarious because adding other human beings to your chaos is defeatist…your losing before you can even join the race. I wish more people our age would calm down, take a breather…love themselves and be real mind, body and soul…what will be, will be regardless.

  7. I totally understand where you’re coming from. For the past couple years I’ve been trying to stay focused on self improvement and career development before getting into a relationship. Neither of these 2 things has been moving as quickly as I’d hoped but now I have cuties sniffing around. I’ve given in a tad but I’m trying to stay focused on being a better, happier Loren first or I won’t be able to give them 100%. However, I’m not completely shutting out possibilities because people CAN grow together. That just may be what God wants you to do…it may not be.

  8. Exactly. I look forward to fatherhood and a family but can I spoil myself a little first? You’re speaking that realness right here. Keep it up.


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